15.01.2014 Wednesday Morning, Cool & Clear weather
Boarded bus 14, the bus I usually take to school in secondary school days. Tapped my card against the ez-link reader and proceed to the upper level of the double decker bus. First thing that caught my eye was the girl wearing a Temasek Secondary school uniform. I sat down in front of her.
Memories came back in tiny but clear pieces. The girl I was back then, the morning bus rides, the afternoon bus rides and the late night bus rides. I seem to have lost the memory of who I was back then. Seems like someone entered my memory and erased them. Who was I, really?
Dear 16 year old self, if you could see me now, what would say? Would you laugh back at all my insecurities and reply in a classic manner, “I told you so”; or will you smile at how far I’ve come and all the things I’ve done?
Dear 16 year old self, if I could write a letter to you like what I’m doing now, I would tell you, to continue doing what you are doing. You were my favourite age; at the right time and right place. You were daring - fiery and fighting, doing everything under the sun; You were cautious - trained by the hard times that hit you then; You were rebellious - not in the showy way but you were hoping for a change. And that was you, all in one. Conundrum and all.
Looking back, I may lament that you didn’t take enough risks, didn’t get to know yourself better, but I think back then you already took all the risks you knew how to take. Perhaps I would have warn you of what a horrible place Junior College was, but the insane fireball in you would have jumped on it and gone to pursue it even more.
Dear 16 year old self, you believed in love. And sometime down the road, you would always believe in love. What taught you this wasn’t the romantic love that everyone purports in status updates or social media but the very love from family and friends. Any kind of love comes from the same basis - to see that even if someone who is not family, you will love and cherish them equally as much as family.
You fell in love, didn’t you. With the wrong one. (But was it love, you’d ask)
But it’s not wrong.
And maybe it was love, or it was not.
Does the definition matter?
You were caught up in it - that intense feeling; that exclusivity;
Whatever the definition, as you’d soon learn, nothing defines as clear as emotions.
Remember what it taught you. It didn’t teach you to stop believing in love. It taught you that you are capable of love. Of wholeheartedly believing in someone. It taught you that you are different - and that someone saw that in you. It may not be the right person but you’d go on to find out that there will be many people who will see you for who you are and accept that.
And one day, unexpectedly, someone who is ‘right’ will actually come along to accept you for all your emotions and conundrum.
Dear 16 year old self, if there was one thing, just one thing at all, I would have asked you to read more. Don’t wait for time to tell you how precious time is, and how precious reading is. You’d learn more from books in a day then anything else.
You’d grow up just fine. Amidst your insecurities, you will do okay. Learn to let go, growing up is tough enough. Don’t make it tougher for yourself.
Your 21 year old self
Wednesday morning, 7:58am